MY HEAVEN STORY

by Judy, Olivia's Mother

My daughter, Olivia, and I have a very special relationship.  I thought that I might never have children and as time went on and I got older, I thought that might well be a reality.  So when I became pregnant with Olivia at 37 years old, I was both scared and overjoyed.  Was I too old to have a child?  Would I be able to keep up with one?  But that maternal instinct was so strong that I knew in my heart that it would be wonderful and that no matter how scared I felt, something kept telling me that this was planned for me.

I remember the day that feeling came to me.  I was in the shower talking out loud to God and asking if I could do this.  I had been questioning myself for weeks after finding out and all at once … I just knew it would be all right.  I never looked backwards from that moment on.

At 37 years old, it is standard to do all that prenatal testing.  So I didn’t give it a thought … until the genetic counselor diagnosed me with Treacher Collins syndrome.  I was floored for a day or two; finding that I had a 50/50 chance of passing it on didn’t help matters.

Olivia’s father and I had been together for 5 years and the last two had been rough.  When he found that Olivia might be affected with Treacher Collins … I know he didn’t understand the scope of it all.  He didn’t believe it would happen … almost like I was making it up.  He held her for a while in the hospital after she was born … studying her features.  He took part in her care for the first couple of weeks and then he couldn’t handle it anymore.  He moved on.  But that was all right, for it was meant to be. 

I fell in love and married Calvin in the year that followed Olivia’s birth.  (He was an acquaintance for several years previously.)  We both feel spiritually that we had to go through those years previous to our marriage, so that we could be prepared for our relationship … and Olivia.  Calvin is the only father that Olivia knows and loves; although she is aware of her biological father … she has no relationship with him.  

I was essentially a single parent in the first 8 months of Olivia’s life, so it was indeed a sobering experience.  Working a 2nd shift job and finding day(night)care for her seemed impossible.  I ran into a lot of walls back then and I never knew if it was because of Olivia’s hemangioma (birthmark) on her eye, her TC facial difference or the color of her skin.  But something always worked out for me.  I always felt someone was with me, guiding and helping me, along the way.

Even after finding out that I might be passing TC on to Olivia, I had a very calm feeling about it all.  At 4 months pregnant, my ultrasound told me she had TC.  I had this feeling that I was blessed to be having her.  When she was born with TC, I still felt blessed to have her.  She is 6 years old now and I feel extremely blessed to have her.  I treasure her.  I adore her.

We have this game we play at night when I’m tucking her in … (she started it) where she says to me … Mom, you know how much I love you?  And I say … How much?  She’ll say … As much as all the leaves on all the trees in all the world!  Of course, I’m supposed to top that.  I said something crazy once when it was my turn, like … I love you as much as all the dots on this comforter.  She says to me … That’s not that much.  Oh well, she’s better at this game than me.  To say it another way, we spend a lot of time telling and explaining how much we love each other.  I have hundreds of letters and pictures detailing her love for me.  I’ve been told numerous times that there is something about our relationship that draws people to us.  Or to Olivia … she has this aura about her.  I have complete strangers tell us (as we are walking past them) … she is so adorable.  We can never go to a restaurant when someone doesn’t come up to us … just to chat with us.

So it is this constant admiration for my daughter, this profound love for her, this gift that God entrusted me with … that led me to tell her one day about how she came to be.  I had never thought about this story before this day.  It just came to me and poured out like I had told it for years.  This is my Heaven Story.  

Olivia and I do many things together.  We are constantly running errands and she is my little sidekick.  I always tell her she is my best helper.  I never pass an opportunity to tell her how much I love her.  I guess you could say we have a very deep relationship and spend a lot of time nurturing our love for each other.  So this day, we have gone to the grocery store for some shopping and she is sitting in the grocery cart, up front, where most little kids sit.  She likes to do this because she is level with me … head to head.  So we are hanging out at the deli counter, waiting our turn in line.  We are hugging on each other and I’m saying … Thank you God for my precious child.

All of a sudden she says … Mom, how did I get in your tummy?

I said … God put you there.

Olivia said … But, how did He do that?

I said … It was when I was in Heaven; that’s how I got you in my tummy.

Her eyes widened and she is looking at me incredulously … wondering how this can be.  At this point, Olivia probably knew that I wasn’t really in heaven but she has an understanding with me, so it allowed her to believe in the story.

She said … How did God do that?  How did He know to put me in your tummy?

I said … Well, I was in Heaven and there were a lot of women gathered around.

God said … I have a little baby girl here … who would like her?

Olivia said … What did you do?

I said … I raised my hand and I yelled out … I want her!!  Right here!!  I do!  I do!

Olivia smiled and said … That’s how you got me in your tummy?

I said … No, it was a little tough; all the women were saying that they wanted you.

Olivia is a little nervous now.  We are so involved in our story that we no longer realize that we are in the grocery store or where we are, for that matter.

She said … God didn’t see you … He didn’t hear you?

I said … No, He didn’t see me, there were too many women raising their hands and I was way back in the crowd.

Olivia looked concerned.

I said … Well, then He said … Whomever takes this child must know that she will have some problems, she will need some operations … Now, who wants her?

Olivia looks at me.

She said … What did you do?  What did you say?

I said to her … I really wanted you so I raised my hand and I yelled really loud … I do!

She said … Now did God see you? Were all the other women raising their hands, too?

I said … Yes, they were all raising their hands and they were all yelling - I do!

Her eyes were very big.

She said … But could He see you?

I said … Yes, He could.  Because I was raising my hand the highest, yelling the loudest and I was jumping up and down.  And He saw me.